Title What Every Body is Saying

Author Mark Bowden

Year Published 2008

Kind of Book Communication

How strongly I recommend it 8/10 

My Impressions Super fascinating. You will never look at the people you are speaking to the same way after reading this book. A great book for understanding the way you and others are likely feeling by paying attention to nonverbal signals.

Date Read circa 2015

Practical Takeaways

  • Focus on what people are doing not just on what they're saying

  • Stand up straight with your shoulders back and down. Avoid the turtle effect

  • Drop your shoulders

  • Uncross your arms

  • Feel your feet on the floor

  • Take up space

  • Wear clothing that conveys what you want to convey. People will make judgements

10 Commandments for observing and detecting nonverbal communication

#1 Be a competent observer of your environment

#2 Observe context of the situation

#3 Learn to observe and decode nonverbal behaviors that are universal

#4 Learn to recognize and decode idiosyncratic nonverbal behaviors

#5When you interact with others try to establish baseline behaviors

#6 Always try to watch people for multiple tells- behaviors that occur in clusters or in succession

#7 Look for changes in a person's behavior that can signal changes in thoughts, emotions, interest, or intent

#8 Learn to detect misleading nonverbal cues

#9 Distinguish between comfort and discomfort in the person

#10 Be subtle about observing others

  • Don't use territorial displays around your superiors in the workplace//don't outshine the boss

  • Brush arms with your date

  • Keep your hands visible to the other person while you're talking (creates trust and less suspicion)

  • Don't hide behind the lectern during a speech or a debate

  • Don't use a powerful handshake to show dominance (take up space and make heavy eye contact if you must)

  • Make sure you understand the cultural conventions of the country that you are visiting, particularly with regard to greetings (hugs, kiss on cheek, etc)

  • Don't point at people

  • Never try to get someone's attention with the same gesture you may use to call your dog

  • Don't self-preen (remove lint from your shirt) when others are talking to you

  • Don't bite your nails

  • Keep your finger nails clean

  • Dry sweaty hands before giving a handshake

  • Consider the confidence of your hand gestures when you are being interviewed by a prospective employer

  • Steeple your hands where they can be seen by others

  • Carry your thumbs high

  • Don't stand with your thumbs in your pockets

  • Don't touch your neck when talking to others

  • Distrust any facial expression that lasts too long

  • Don't Covering the neck with the hand

  • Don't Playing with your necklace

  • Don't Touch face

  • Don't Puff cheeks out

  • Don't wring your hands

  • Don't Stroking fingers across the palm or rubbing hands together

  • Don't Lick your lips

  • Don't rub your forehead

  • Don't adjust your tie (out of discomfort)

  • Don't massage your throat

  • Don't briefly touch your neck

  • Don't Ventilate the neck by pulling the shirt collar //Rodney Dangerfield

  • Don't play with your hair//release nervous energy

  • Don't Yawn excessively

  • Don't clamp palms on lap rigidly

  • Don't hug yourself and rubbing their shoulders

  • Don't have jittery kicking legs or feet

  • Don't lock legs and feet around a chair

  • Don't Cross arms (out of discomfort)

  • Don't raise your shoulders rising toward the ears

  • Don't put your thumbs in pockets

  • Don't blink a lot

  • Don't compress or purse your lips**

  • Don't Furrow your forehead

  • Don't tuck your chin and put your nose down

  • Keep your feet pointed towards the person you're talking to to communicate respect and that you are engaged. Point your feet away from them to communicate you want to leave

  • Don't stare at people for a long time

 

 If you want to display confidence and dominance

  • Leg splay

  • lean back in a chair

  • Puff out your chest

  • Cross your legs

  • Put your hands behind your back (security guard stance aka regal stance) signals "don't draw near me"

  • Put arms Akimbo (hands on hips w/ thumbs back) displays dominance or that there is an issue

  • Stretch your arms over chair/couch/table/woman

  • Use the Hooding effect. Hands interlaced behand head

  • Plant your Fingertips apart on the surface of a table

  • Steeple your hands (fingertip to fingertip)

  • Put your hands in your pocket with the thumb sticking out

  • Fold your hands with thumbs up (like a boss)

  • Use your hands to frame the genitals (thumbs under belt like a cowboy) Dominance/courtship display

  • Tilt your head in a powerful way

  • Keep your Chin up and nose high

 

Tips for interviewing someone or meeting someone new

  1. Get a clear view

  2. Expect some pacifying behaviors

  3. Expect initial nervousness

  4. Get the person the relax first

  5. Establish a baseline

  6. Look for increased pacifiers

  7. Ask, pause, and observe

  8. Keep the person you are interviewing focused

 

Big Ideas

  • People's body language are more honest indicators of how they are feeling than their words

 

Unknown Terms

Nonverbal Communication (body language): "A mans of  transmitting information-just like the spoken word-except it is achieved through facial expressions, gestures, touching, physical movements, posture, body adornment (clothes, jewlery, hair, tattoos) and even tone, timbre, and volume of an individual's voice"-Joe Navarro

Eye-Blocking: Squinting or shielding our eyes to protect the brain from seeing "undesirable" images. It is a nonverbal behavior that can occur when we feel threatened or don't like what we see.

Limbic System: a set of brain structures located on both sides of the thalamus, immediately beneath the medial temporal lobe of the cerebrum primarily in the midbrain. It supports a variety of functions including emotion, behavior, motivation, long-term memory, and olfaction. Emotional life is largely housed in the limbic system, and it critically aids the formation of memories.

Intention Cues: behaviors that reveal what a person is about to do (eg. Feet pointed towards the door)

Freeze, Flight, Fight Response: The actual order in which animals respond to threats

Turtle Effect: a slumped posture where the shoulders rise towards the ears which usually happens when people feel threatened or lose confidence. It evolved as a protective mechanism for protecting the spine.

Happy Feet: feet that wiggle or bounce for joy usually when someone hears or sees something that affects them in a positive way.

Microgesture: a very brief nonverbal behavior that occurs when a person is attempting to suppress a normal response to a negative stimulus