Title Radical Honesty
Author Brad Blanton
Year Published 1995
Kind of Book Communication/Relationships
How strongly I recommend it 7/10
My Impressions A+ for content. F for presentation. I really found it frustrating how disorganized this book was. However, the idea of practicing radical honesty intrigued me enough to slog through.
Date Read circa 2019
Practical Takeaways
Get comfortable being uncomfortable
Break the habit of withhold information
Report what you notice
Don’t let your happiness depend on your partner. Tell them that
Tell your partner what you like and what you don’t like
Stop wondering what the other person is thinking and ask them
Tell other person what you’re thinking and ask them what they’re thinking
Risk losing love in order for love to renew
Tell the truth the best you can. Don’t lie
Admit when you’re wrong. Don’t be invested in being right all the time
Don’t be over cautious
(to flirt) alternate saying something arrogant then saying the truth
Let the person you've told the truth to know that you are there for them if what you said hurt their feelings
Use dating as a chance to practice telling the truth
Don’t walk on eggshells
Stop avoiding the trouble that comes from honesty in order to have the trouble that comes from being too careful
Stay with your pain. Don’t pretend like it isn’t there
Move your body
Trust your body and mistrust your mind
Be curious in the other person and ask questions
Go out there and fuck up
Talk to a whole lot of women, find one you like, tell her the truth.
Hold people accountable
"Get naked" in front of people who are still in their roles
Tell the facts from the past that have been withheld
Reveal everything you have hidden from your past to the very people who you think would be most hurt, angry, or embarrassed by the revelations.
Stop repressing joy
Don’t love like a scaredy cat
Get hurt now and then and get over it
Admit that you're angry with people (not just that you're upset)
Expose the fiction
Get over yourself
Speak simply. Use language to describe more than to evaluate
“When you have a choice of being mad at someone else or mad at yourself, always pick someone else."
Let people know what you want, but ultimately take responsibility for your own happiness
Be willing to experience what it is you’re trying to avoid.
Admit that you are angry at the person you lost for dying
Share with people What you're Noticing. "I’m noticing…"
Share with people what you're Feeling. "I’m feeling…"
Share with people What you're Thinking. "I’m thinking…"
Tell your partner; ”If you want to please me, if you want to know what would make me happy, here is what I would really like for you to do...If you don’t do it, it’s okay, I’m a big boy, and I will take care of myself. You are not obligated to make or keep me happy by doing what I want. I am responsible for my own happiness...”
A checklist for intimacy in a romantic relationship
1.Tell each other your entire life story, taking about three hours
2.Tell each other your complete sexual history, including how many people you have had sex with, what gender they were and details of what you did with them
3.Masturbate to orgasm in front of each other with no assistance from each other.
4.Tell each other of any affairs, near-affairs, necking, arousal, daydream or flirtation you have engaged in since you have known each other.
5.Take turns with a half-hour monologue in which one of you agrees to be silent for 30 minuets while the other speaks. Tell your partner everything you resent them for and everything you appreciate them for.
6.After you have both taken a turn, Talk about the two monologues for at least a half an hour.
Big Ideas
Everyone lies a lot
Lying is the major source of our stress
Taking responsibility means a person no longer blames outside circumstances, or other people, or past events for the condition of his own life
Telling the truth is the path to getting beyond adolescence
What was a liberating insight to us today might be the thing that stands in the way of insight tomorrow
Lying requires a lot of mental/emotional energy in trying to not be found out
Telling the truth frees up all of the mental/emotional energy that lying requires
When we get what we want through manipulation it never satisfies us.
When we get what we want through honesty it fills us up
Even WE don't really know who we are
Neuroticism demands that the world be other than the way it is
Whether or not you tell the truth is the most critical factor in determining whether or not your relationship will be successful
It is not healthy for either person in a relationship to be with the other out of desperation
Even the best situation in the world becomes unpleasant after enough time goes by
When you tell the truth, Who you are, becomes more a description centered the here and now, and less of a story about your life.
The Tree Levels Honesty
1)revealing the facts
2)honestly expressing current feelings
3)exposing the fiction you have devised to represent yourself and your history
Whether or not you love or trust someone is not in your control
Whether you are honest with someone IS under your control
Honest people speak simply
Honest people use language to describe more than to evaluate
Most people try to act the way they believe the other person wants them to act and be
Repressing and denying our anger makes us sick
When we acknowledge and accept our unconscious anger, it no longer runs our lives
Adults repress joy
Adults repress their joy as defense mechanism ie. to protect themselves from being hurt
People who gossip are angry about something in their lives
People are often furious at the person they have lost for dying
This (and the failure to admit this) is often the things that keeps them from getting over the death and healing
Forgiveness is more a benefit to you than the person you are forgiving
When we are angry we are scared
We lie when we are scared
We are not going to be able to do most of the things we want to do before we die