Title: Nonviolent Communication
Author: Marshall Rosenberg
Year Published: 1999
Kind of Book: psychology/How-To
How strongly I recommend it 10/10
Date Read Jan 2021
My Review: I had heard great things about this book, but was a little turned off by the title. I was expecting a book that advocated for PC culture and not offending anyone, however that is not at all what the book was about. Rosenberg argues why precise speech which separates evaluations from Objective claims is so important for having effective communication. He does a great job of separating the practical from the moral arguments for why we should adopt these tactics. In other words, he argues that the world would be a more compassionate place if we used these techniques, but he also argues we should use these techniques because they flat out work. This is a great manual for anyone looking to improve their communication skills and relationships. Like Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, the title may be cheesy, but they are classics for a reason.
Practical Takeaways
Word swap: get rid of the phrase "you make me feel…" (it facilitates a denial of personal responsibility for our feelings)
Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions
Word swap: replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice (eg. I had to vs. I decided to)
Don't communicate your desires in the form of demands (it blocks compassion)
Disconnect observation from evaluation (ie. Clearly observe what you are seeing, hearing, or touching, without mixing in evaluation)
You can still make evaluations, just separate them from observations
Don't mix up what we can see with what is our opinion-Ruth Bebermeyer
When you use statements like "always, never, mostly, usually" Take a moment and ask yourself if there are counter examples
Distinguish feelings from thoughts
Don't use the phrase "I feel…" to describe how you're feeling. Just say "I am (emotion)" (eg. I am scared, I am sad)
Don't say "I feel that…"
Don't say "I feel like…"
Don't say "I feel as if…"
Use the phrase "I think…" to describe what you think and "I feel…" to describe an emotion
Only say "I feel…" if you are going to state an emotion
Differentiate between words that describe what we think others are doing around us, and words that describe actual feelings (eg. Not "I feel misunderstood")
When expressing feelings, use words that refer to specific emotions, not vague or general things. (eg. Not "I feel good" but "I feel relieved")
Don't say "I feel good" or "I feel bad" (these are not emotions, but rather evaluations)
Accept responsibility for your feelings by acknowledging your needs, desires, expectations, values, and thoughts
When receiving negative messages don't blame yourself, don't blame others; sense your own feelings and needs and others feelings and needs.
Avoid impersonal pronouns such as "it" and "that" when identifying a feelings "It pisses me of that…" "It annoys me that…"
Connect your feeling wit your need "I feel (emotion) because I need____"
Give from the heart, don't be motivated by guilt
Ask yourself "What is my need?"
Ask yourself "What would you like from the other person to get your need met?"
Talk about what you need, rather than what is wrong with the other person
Value your needs (If we don't value our needs, others may not either.)
Accept full responsibility for our own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others
Respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame.
State clearly what you need in a way that communicates that you are equally concerned about the needs of others
Express what you are requesting rather what you are not requesting (ie. Say what you want, not what you don't want)
Word your requests in the form of concrete actions that others can take.
When making a request make it actionable. Ask yourself "What can they do right now?"
When giving a request, include your feelings and needs (otherwise they can sound like demands)
Be sure to express your request. Don't expect others to know what you want them to do just by telling them your feelings and needs.
Be clear when stating what you want
Ask the listener to reflect back what they heard you say to make sure the message was received.
Ask people "Is that clear?" to make sure they understood you
After expressing yourself vulnerably ask the listener; "What are you feeling about what I just said?" "What are your reasons for feelings that way?
To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
Request what you want from the other, don't demand it (ie. Don't blame or punish them if you don't get it)
Listen with your whole being-Chuang-Tzu
Ask the other person if they want advice before offering it to them
(Listening) Focus full attention on the person speaking
(Listening) Allow the other person to express themselves fully
(Listening) Just listen to the person without thinking how to solve their problem (Believing we have to "fix" the situation prevents of from being present when we are listening to someone.)
(Listening) no matter what words someone is say, listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests
(Listening) Listen for what people are needing rather than what they are thinking
(Listening) paraphrase what you understood the other person saying (it gives the speaker a chance to correct you if you misinterpreted it and offers them time to reflect on what they just said.) (paraphrasing saves time rather than wastes it)
Ask the person you are speaking to to reflect back to you what they heard you say// do this with students
(Listening) Allow others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning your attention to solutions for fixing their problem
(Listening) when assessing if the other person has fully expressed themselves 1) wait for the person to stop talking 2) notice a release in their body and a corresponding release in your own body.
(Listening) if you are unsure if the other person has fully expressed themselves ask "Is there more that you wanted to say?"
Get clearer when someone says they feel "good" or "bad". Ask them what emotion they are feeling specifically.
Don't say "but" to an angry person. (ie. "Don't put your 'but' in the face of an angry person")
Interrupt the person empathically if you are bored with what they are saying and say "I'm feeling impatient because I'd like to be more connected with you, but our conversation isn't creating the kind of connection I'm wanting. I'd like to know if the conversation we've been having is meeting your needs, and if so, what needs are being met through it."
When you've behaved in a way you now regret, ask yourself "what need of mine was I trying to meet?"
Take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation. (eg. Practice your instrument so people will enjoy the show, not so that you will avoid looking dumb on stage)
Word swap: Instead of saying "I have to " say "I choose to ____ because I want _____"
With every choice you make be conscious of what need it serves
Do things out of a desire for play
Do things out of a desire for enriching life
Express the core of your anger fully and wholeheartedly
Use anger as an alarm clock to wake up to a need of yours that is not being met
Word swap: Instead of saying "I am angry because you/they/he/she/it…" say, "I am angry because I am needing…"
Divorce the other person from any responsibility of your anger. (You can allow the other person as the stimulus, but separate stimulus from cause)
Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in the mind without judging them
Practice translating each judgment you make into an unmet need (every judgement we make is an indication of an unmet need)
When a person is having trouble locating their feelings, help them by making educated guesses. (eg. Are you feeling…?)
When a person is having trouble locating their needs, help them by making educated guesses. (eg. Are you needing…?)
Only use force to protect, not to punish, blame, or condemn
Don't give compliments that are evaluations (Compliments establish the speaker as someone who sits in judgment)
(reinforcement) Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate
Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility
Don't play small-Marianne Williamson
Manifest the glory of God that is within you-Marianne Williamson
Let your light shine-Marianne Williamson
Tell people you appreciate them
When expressing anger
Stop. Breathe
Identify your judgmental thoughts
Connect with your needs
Express your feelings and unmet needs
Mediating a conflict between two or more people
Get two people together in the same room
Have each side express what they are needing right now
Verify that both sides accurately understand the other's needs
Have each side provide empathy for the other's needs
Propose strategies for resolving the conflict. Frame them in positive action language
(Mediating framework)After identify both parties needs, say "Here are ____'s needs. Here are _____'s needs. Here are the resources_____. What can be done to meet these needs?"
(Mediating) avoid moving too hastily into offering solutions. Make sure each understands the other's needs (this may resolve in compromise)
(Mediating) Make sure both sides maintain respect for one another
(Mediating) Keep the conversation in the present. Don't let it get bogged down with who did what in the past. "Who needs what right now?"
(Mediating) When both sides are screaming or talking over one another, insert yourself "Excuse me, excuse me!"
(Mediating) Create a connection between the people who are in conflict (when you connect the people the problem solves itself most of the time)
(Mediating) let both sides know that the goal is not to get the other side to do what they want them to do
NVC Framework
Observation: first, observe what is actually happening in a situation without judging or evaluating "I'm noticing_____"
Feelings: second, state how you feel when you observe this action: (eg. Scared, hurt, joyful, amused) "I am feeling____"
Needs: Say what needs of yours are connected to the feelings you have identified "Because I am needing _____"
Requests: Address what you are wanting from the other person that would enrich you life. "Therefore, I would like ____
Giving Therapy
(Therapy giving) bring yourself as a therapist into the process
(Therapy giving) Instead of diagnosing them, reveal what is going on within yourself
(Therapy giving) ask "What is this person feeling?" "What is this person needing?" "How am I feeling?" "What action would I request this person take in the belief that it would enable them to live more happily?"
Don't label mental illness as an illness
Thanking Someone
Tell the person the actions that have contributed to your well-being
Tell them the particular needs of yours that have been fulfilled
Tell them the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs
Big Ideas
When someone gives someone else a compliment they are establishing themselves as someone who sits in judgment over the person they're complimenting
When two people in conflict are connected the problem resolves itself most of the time
Every judgement we make is an indication that we have an unmet need somewhere in our lives
Paraphrasing what you heard the other person say back to them saves time in the long run
because
Paraphrasing what you heard the other person say back to them clears up any miscommunication that might have taken place in the exchange
Paraphrasing what you heard the other person say back to them gives the speaker a chance to reflect on what they just said
We are not able to be present listening to what someone is saying to us if we are thinking of how to fix their problem
If someone doesn't value his own needs, others will likely not either
4 components of NVC
Observation "I'm noticing_____
Feeling "I am feeling____
Needing "Because I am needing _____
Request "Therefore, I would like _____
It is possible to communicate all 4 steps of the NVC frame workout (observation, feeling, needing, request) without uttering a single word
We communicate in terms of what is wrong with ourselves and others rather than in terms of what we and others are needing.
Classifying and judging people promotes violence.
Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence
When we label a person we limit the totality of their being
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings
but
What others do is not the cause of our feelings
Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do
The 4 Options for receiving negative messages
Blame ourselves
Blame others
Sense our own feelings and needs
Sense others feelings and needs
Women often ignore their own needs
Because
Women are socialized to view caretaking of others as their highest duty
3 Stages of Emotional Liberation
Emotional Slavery: feelings responsible for how others feel and making sure they are happy
Obnoxious stage: we are clear what we are not responsible for, but have not yet learned how to be responsible in other ways
Emotional liberation: Respond to others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame.
When people hear criticism they tend to get defensive and attack the person it came from
We can never meet out own needs at the expense of others.
The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we'll get it.
Whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something from them in return (even if it's just an acknowledgement or connection)
It is more difficult for people to empathize with people who possess more power, status, or resources than they do
It is difficult for people to empathize with the people closest to them sometimes
What bores the listener bores the speaker too
We are never angry because of what others say or do
The cause of anger lies in our judgment of what others say or do
Cultures uses guilt as a means of controlling people
Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.
Our judgements of others become self-fulfilling prophecies
We are far less likely to get our needs met by judging, blaming, and punishing others.
The fear of punishment diminishes our self-esteem
The fear of punishment diminishes our goodwill.
Our culture believes that a person having needs is selfish
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. -Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. -Marianne Williamson
Unknown Terms
Nonviolent Communication: 1) an approach to nonviolent living developed by Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s. NVC is based on the assumption that all human beings have capacity for compassion and empathy and that people only resort to violence or behavior harmful to others when they do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs. 2) a specific approach to communicating that leads us to give from the heart, connecting us with ourselves and with each other in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish.
Life-alienating Communication: a term coined by Marshall Rosenberg: forms of language and communication that contribute to our behaving violently toward each other and ourselves.
Emotional Slavery: The belief that we are responsible for the feelings of others and that we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy. Stage one in the NVC 3 stages to emotional liberation
Obnoxious stage: we are clear what we are not responsible for, but have not yet learned how to be responsible in other ways. Stage two in the NVC 3 stages to emotional liberation
Emotional liberation: Respond to others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. Stage three in the NVC 3 stages to emotional liberation
Demand: When a person states what they want, and the other person is blamed or punished if they do not comply.
Request: When a person states what they want, but doesn't blame or punish the other if they do not comply.
Shame: 1) an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self; withdrawal motivations; and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.2) A form of self hatred