Title Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus

Author John Gray

Year Published 1992

Kind of Book Relationships/Communication

How strongly I recommend it 8/10 

My Impressions I was expecting to like this book a lot less then I did. The language is very cheesy and dated at this point, but it is a classic for a reason. I had a lot of insights reading it.

Date Read circa 2014

Practical Takeaways

  • Never try to fix your partner

  • Respect and accept your differences with your partner

  • Just listen to her without trying to solve her problems or offering solutions

  • Don't always be "Mr. Fix-it" with her problems

  • Validate her feelings

  • Don't tell her how she should or shouldn't feel

  • Never tell her to calm down

  • Make her feel cherished

  • Let her know what you are thinking/feeling when you go silent, so she doesn't assume the worst

  • Let her know not to come into your cave when you're upset and you retreat

  • Don't judge her for needing to be reassured (that you love her/enjoy her company/think she's pretty etc.)

  • Take the time to translate what your partner said into what they really mean

  • Reassure her that when you pull away you will be back, but need time to be alone

  • Support her need to be heard

  • Don't try to listen when you need to be alone

  • Frequently reassure her of your love (don't assume because you did it once it will last forever)

  • Ask interested and concerned questions when she talks

  • Don't take her feelings literally

  • Don't tell her what she should and shouldn't feel upset about

  • Remember that each gift, big or small, is worth one point when a woman keeps score

  • Take time to listen to and acknowledge your feelings

  • Say 'would you' not 'could you' when asking a favor

  • Be direct when asking a favor of someone

  • Be brief when asking a favor of someone

  • Don't assume that you are giving her enough love and support just because she hasn't asked you for more

  • Remain silent after you have asked a request of someone

  • Don't tell your woman she is 'overreacting'

101 ways to score points with a woman

  1. Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug

  2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to day (e.g. "how'd you Dr. appointment go?")

  3. Practice listening and asking questions

  4. Resist the temptation to solve her problems- empathize instead

  5. Give her 20mins of unsolicited quality attention

  6. Surprise her with flowers

  7. Plan a date several days in advance

  8. Offer to make dinner even if it is her turn

  9. Compliment her on how she looks

  10. Validate her feelings when she's upset

  11. Offer to help her when she's tired

  12. Schedule extra time when traveling so that she doesn't have to rush

  13. Call and tell her when you're going to be late

  14. Don't make her feel wrong for asking for your support

  15. Empathize with her hurt feelings

  16. Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things

  17. When you've cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectable, nonblaming way, so she doesn't imagine the worst

  18. Offer to build a fire in wintertime

  19. Give her your full attention when she talks to you

  20. Offer to do the dishes even if its her turn

  21. Offer to help with her To-do's when she is tired or overwhelmed

  22. When going out, ask if there is anything she want you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up

  23. Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave

  24. Give her 4 hugs a day

  25. Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her "I love you"

  26. Tell her you love her a couple of times every day

  27. Make the bed and clean up the bedroom

  28. Turn your socks right side out so she doesn't have to (if she does the laundry)

  29. Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it

  30. Let her know that you arrived safely at your destination

  31. Wash her car

  32. Wash your car and clean the interior before your date with her

  33. Wash before having sex

  34. Take her side when she is upset with someone

  35. Offer to give her a back, neck, or foot massage

  36. Make a point of cuddling without being sexual

  37. Be patient when she is sharing

  38. Don't change channels aimlessly when she is watching TV with you

  39. Display affection in public

  40. When holding hands don't let your hand go limp

  41. Learn her favorite drinks so you can offer her a choice of the ones that you know she already likes

  42. Don't put the burden on choosing the restaurant/date spot on her

  43. Get season tickets for the theater, symphony, opera, ballet, or some other type of performance she likes

  44. Create occasions when you both can dress up

  45. Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit

  46. Pay more attention to her than to others in public

  47. Make her more important than the children

  48. Buy her little presents- like small boxes of chocolates and perfume

  49. Buy her an outfit

  50. Takes pictures of her on special occasions

  51. Take short romantic getaways

  52. Carry a picture of her in your wallet. Update it from time to time. Let her see that you carry the picture

  53. When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a bottle of champagne

  54. Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays

  55. Offer to drive the car on long trips

  56. Drive slowly and safely when she is in the car

  57. Notice how she is feeling and comment on it (eg. "You look happy today")

  58. When taking her out study the direction in advance

  59. Take her dancing

  60. Surprise her with a love note or poem

  61. Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship

  62. Offer to fix something around the house. (say 'what needs to be fixed around here? I have some extra time)

  63. Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen

  64. Buy some good super glue to fix things that are broken

  65. Offer to change light bulbs as soon as they go out

  66. Help with recycling the trash

  67. Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her

  68. Write out neatly any phone message you take for her

  69. Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry after taking a shower

  70. Open the door for her

  71. Offer to carry the groceries

  72. Offer to carry heavy boxes for her

  73. Carry the luggage

  74. Be responsible for packing the car

  75. Make a "to fix" list for her to fill out things you can fix

  76. Compliment her cooking

  77. Look at her when she's talking to you

  78. Touch her with you hand sometimes when you talk to her

  79. Show interest in her day

  80. When listening to her, reassure her that you are interested by making little noises like 'ah ha, uh huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmm'

  81. Ask her how she is feeling

  82. If she has been sick ask her how she is doing or feeling

  83. If she is tired offer to make her some tea

  84. Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time

  85. Give her a kiss and say good-bye when you leave

  86. Laugh at her jokes

  87. Verbally say thank you when she does things for you

  88. Notice when she gets her hair done and compliment her on it

  89. Create special time to be alone together

  90. Don't answer the phone at intimate moments

  91. Go bicycling together

  92. Organize or prepare a picnic

  93. Take her clothes to the cleaners

  94. Take her for a walk without the children

  95. Be caring of what she wants to do if its not what you want to do, but don't be a martyr

  96. Let her know that you missed her when you went away

  97. Bring home her favorite pie or dessert

  98. Offer to do the food shopping

  99. Eat lightly on romantic occasions (so that you're not tired later)

  100. Ask her to tell you what things make her feel loved and do them

  101. Leave the bathroom seat down

 

Big Ideas

  • No matter how big or small a gift or gesture is, a woman will "count" it as one point

  • When people are asked 'could you do ____' they feel attacked. As though their competency is being brought into question

  • It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like it is his fault (and therefore he is a failure)

  • Men feel motivated and empowered when they feel needed

  • Women feel motivated and empowered with they feel cherished

  • Men deal with stress by withdrawing and getting focused

  • Women deal with stress by getting overwhelmed and emotionally involved

  • Men are afraid of giving

  • Women are afraid of receiving

  • Men's deepest fear is not being good enough (ie. Incompetent)

  • Men use/hear language literally

  • Women use language metaphorically

  • When men reach a new stage of intimacy with a woman they will pull away from her for a while to assert their freedom and then come back to her (like a rubber band pulling a way)

  • Men want freedom

  • Women want understanding

 

Men want to receive

 trust

Acceptance

Appreciation

Admiration

Approval

Encouragement

 

Women want to receive

Understanding

Caring

Respect

Devotion

Validation

Reassurance