Title Lying

Author Sam Harris

Year Published 2013

Kind of Book Essay, Philosophy

How strongly I recommend it 10/10 

My Impressions Short and sweet and thoughtfully argued. I would have liked to see him go into more depth on a couple of points, but this was a good introduction to his perspective on lying.

Date Read circa 2014, June 2022

What question is the author trying to answer?

  • If and when is lying necessary/beneficial

Practical Takeaways

  • When you receive a gift that you hate, say something like "I'm really touched that you thought of me, but there's no way I can pull this off."

  • Do not lie

  • Don't give false encouragement or false praise

  • Try to avoid keeping secrets for others or having people tell you things in confidence (unless you have to for work eg. Doctor, lawyer, therapist, spy)

  • Don't put people in situations where they have to keep a secret for you

  • Don't lie to your children (even about Santa Claus)

  • Instead of lying to somone to set up a surprise party for them. Tell them not to ask any questions (eg. 'shut up and get in the car') they can be surprised about the what, not THAT there is a surprise.

Big Ideas

  • We often behave in ways that are guaranteed to make us unhappy

  • When we lie we inflict suffering on ourselves

  • When we lie we inflict suffering on others

  • Even small lies damage personal relationships

Because

  • All lies erode trust between two people

  • Even small lies damage public trust in government/institutions etc.

  • Telling the truth can save a person from a lot of embarrassment

  • It is possible to deceive without lying

  • Lying takes place when someone intentionally misleads others when they are expecting honest communication

Therefore

  • Bluffing in poker is not lying

Because

  • There is an understanding between poker players that lying is part of the game

  • The deception of stage magicians is not lying

Because

  • There is an understanding between magician and audience that deception is part of the game

  • The purpose of lying is to get others to form beliefs that are not true

 

Reasons people lie

  • To avoid embarrassment

  • To exaggerate their accomplishments

  • To disguise wrongdoing

  • To conceal defects in their product or service

  • To mislead competitors to gain advantage

  • To spare hurting someone's feelings

 

  • Telling the truth =short-term discomfort in order to spare long-term problems

  • Honesty forces the dysfunctions in your life to the surface

  • We judge lies of commission far more harshly than lies of omission

Because

  • Lies of commission require more energy than lies of omission

And

  • The more energy an action takes the more moral responsibility we deem it

  • Most people deem telling a lie worse morally than failing to correct someone's incorrect belief

  • Lying denies the person/people being lied to access to reality

  • Even telling small lies will lead to more lying

  • White lies are a gateway drug to big lies

  • False encouragement robs a person of being able to stop putting their energy into something they're bad at and direct it towards something else

  • When we lie for the benefit of others, we are implicitly stating that we know what is best for others

  • It is arrogant to assume that our lie is better for a person than access to reality

  • Lying erodes the trust between the liar and anyone who overhears the lie or learns about it (not just the person being lied to)

  • When you give someone false encouragement you are treating them like a child

  • When you give someone false encouragement you are not preparing them for encounters with the world/strangers (who will judge them like adults)

  • When we have a history of being honest, our praise and encouragement will actually mean something when we do offer praise

  • When we give false praise eventually the person stops believing it (even when our praise is genuine)

  • Declining to reveal certain information to others that you would like to keep private is not dishonest

  • Saying you would rather not answer a question is not a lie

  • If you believe that injuring or killing someone is morally justifiable when done in self defense then you must maintain that lying is permissible in some circumstances of self-defense

  • Revealing things you might be expected to conceal to others leads to better exchanges and relationships

  • Unjust laws are corrosive

Because

  • Unjust laws force peaceful and otherwise honest people to lie in order to avoid being punished for something that is not wrong

  • Lying leads to more lying

Because

  • Often a person needs to make a lie to cover up a previous lie (ie. Web of lies)

  • Lying makes People trust the people they lie to less

  • Lying makes People like the people they lie to less

Because

  • Liars likely feel guilt or shame about lying to a person

And

  • People rid themselves of guilt/shame by blaming the person the trespassed against as being deserving of the transgression

  • When the government/corporations/public institutions lie, it undermines our trust in them and makes people cynical about believing them in the future (even when they are telling the truth)

  • Spies must sacrifice their personal ethics (by lying) for the greater good (that of the country)

  • Lying to one person may spread falsehoods to many people (or a whole society)

  • The easiest way to lose your children's trust is by lying to them

  • Lying to your kids about Santa may give them a more thrilling experience of Christmas

  • Lying to your kids about Santa will erode their trust in you

  • Lying to someone in order to throw a surprise party for them will erode the trust between the two of you

 

Surprising Facts

  • 10% of communication between spouses is deceptive

  • 38% of encounters among college students contain lies

  • Research suggests that all forms of lying (including white lies) are associated with less satisfying relationships

  • Around the age of 4 Children become aware of the mental states of others

  • White lies require the awareness of the mental states of others

  • Children do not learn to tell white lies until about the age of 4

  • Depressed people are better at accurately judging what sort of impression they made on a group of strangers after giving a speech ("healthy" people will overestimate how positively others saw him)

  • Research indicates that liars trust those they deceive less than they otherwise might

  • Research shows that people trust the people they lie to less

  • Research shows that people like the people they lie to less

Unknown Terms

Lying: "deliberately manufacturing falsehood or concealing important facts to the detriment of others." 2) "to intentionally mislead others when they expect honest communication." 3) "believing one thing while intending to communicate another…"

Sacrosanct: Regarded as sacred and inviolable. 2) beyond alteration, criticism, or interference, especially due to religious sanction