Title How to Talk to Anyone
Author Leil Lowndes
Year Published 1998
Kind of Book Communication/Self-help
How strongly I recommend it 8/10
My Impressions This book really exceeded my expectations. Very short and actionable. The language is a little cheesy and dated, but many of the principles run through my head during conversation all the time such as "Avoid the quick 'me too."
Date Read Aug 2019
Practical Takeaways
Don't flash an immediate smile. Instead look at their face for a second and then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes
Pack a book on cultural body language when you travel abroad
When talking to a woman pretend your eyes are glued on her with sticky warm taffy. Don't break eye contact ever after she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly
When in a group of people and someone is speaking watch the speaker but let your glance bounce to your target each time he/she finishes a point to see how he/she reacts (don't overdo it though)
Give everyone you meet a warm smile and a full body turn
When meeting someone react to meeting them like he or she is an old friend you ran into
Limit how much you fidget when you're talking to people
Don't touch your face when you're talking to someone (no matter how much your nose may itch)
Even when you're talking, keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how they're responding to what you're saying
Make sure you're totally relaxed before doing visualization exercises
Match the person you are talking to's mood at first (even if only for a sentence or two)
Don't use a complaint as an opening line to talk to a stranger
Always wear a whatzit ie. Article of clothing that is unique and interesting and causes strangers to ask "whats it?"//peacocking
When you want to get into a group conversation that is already happening use the line "Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing ___"
Whenever someone asks you the inevitable "where are you from?" add an interesting fact about your hometown onto your response eg. Westerville, Ohio The dry capital of the world (make the hook appropriate for the kind of person you're speaking with.
Come up with a few good answers to the question "what do you do?"
When you introduce people give them an add on so they have something to comment on eg. "this is Susan, she's an amazing choreographer"
Listen for clues as to what your conversation partner's preferred topic might be and then ask them about it eg. So what books are you reading?
Repeat the last few words your conversation partner said
When someone gets cut off telling a story, remind them of where they were when they left off after the disruption passes and show you are curious to hear the end of it eg. "Alright so you were saying…."
Don't share all your secrets/skeletons with someone when you first meet them. (they'll feel like you tell that stuff to everyone and therefore won't feel special)
Don't ask "What do you do?"
Ask "How do you spend most of your time?"
Prepare a dozen or so answers to the question "what do you do?" depending on who is asking
Think of a few overused words in your vocabulary (good, pretty, cool, smart) Then grab a thesaurus or book of synonyms and run down the list and say each out loud. Whichever feels comfortable, start trying out. (it still may seem a little uncomfortable at first)
Don't say "you look great" to a woman. Use a better synonym (stunning, adorable, electrifying)
Delay revealing your similarity with a person or let them discover it naturally
Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of jumping in with a breathless, "me too!"..let them enjoy talking about it. Ask them to tell you more (don't steal their thunder)
Kill the quick "me too" when someone mentions something you have in common
Say the words "sex" or "you" to get people's attention
Tell people you'll love it" or we will have a great time
Translate everything into the other person's terms by starting as many sentences as you can with the word "you"
When you want a favor from someone put it in terms for them (they are going to translate it to terms for them anyways. This cuts out the work and shows that you're considerate eg "could you do without me next Friday?" no "Can I take off next Friday?"
Make compliments about the person, not about a thing they own or are wearing (eg. "You look great in that shirt" NOT "I love that shirt")
Use the word "you" when complimenting people eg. "you look great in that shirt" or "That shirt looks great on you" vs "I like that shirt"**do this
Ask people "could you tell me where ___is?" not "where is ___"
Stand in front of the mirror and try out different smiles
Give different people different smiles
Make em' laugh, make em' laugh, make em' laugh
Call a spade a spade ie. Don't hide behind euphemisms
Never make a joke at anyone else's expense
Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original response over and over until they get the hint (the broken record)
Compliment people (especially famous people) on their latest work, not on their classic work
Don't slobber over celebrities when you meet them
Never just say "thank you" always follow it with "thank you for ___" eg. Thank you for waiting, thank you for being so understanding etc.
Once a month do something you'd never dream of yourself doing. totally out of your pattern
Ask artists what medium they work in
Don't ask artists to describe their work
Read a book on culture customs of the country you are going to visit
Listen to the speakers arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives- and echo them back. Eg. If they call it pop, call it pop. If they call it soda, call it soda
Don't just say "mmhmm" or "uh huh" Instead vocalize complete sentences "I see what you mean" or "That's an interesting point"
Use the words "we" "us" or "ours" with the person you're talking to to gain companionship
Use a callback or inside joke from your previous encounter when you see the person again
Grapevine compliment: Instead of telling someone your praise or compliment directly, tell it to someone they are close with who you know will pass along your compliment
Pass along compliments to people when you hear them (people unconsciously like the carriers of good news)
Compliment a person on one attractive specific, and unique quality he or she has *don't overdo it
Let people know how much you appreciate them by caressing them with verbal little strokes like "nice job" "well done" "you're really great at___" "I really appreciate you"
Praise people the moment they finish a feat
Punctuate your phone conversations with "uh huh's" and "I hear you's" so the person knows you are nodding along in agreement
Use a person's name often on the phone to hold their attention. *Do it more often than you would in person
Smile before you answer the phone and communicate you are glad the person who is calling called
Make friends with the secretary or wife of the person you want to influence
Whenever you call someone make it a habit to ask if now is a good time to talk
Don't try to sell to someone when they're busy or preoccupied
Keep your outgoing message short, friendly, and professional
Leave short, friendly, upbeat voicemails
Eat before going to a party (people will be less likely to talk to you if you're eating)
When you arrive at the party, stop dramatically in the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the room.
Don't point your knuckles at anyone. Let them see the skin of your wrists and palms
Use your wrists and palms to say "I have nothing to hide"
Keep a note of the people you met as well as the conversation you had so that when you see them again you can ask them about it eg. "hey Bill, how was Paris?"
When the person you are talking to or selling to has their arms crossed has another form of closed body language, actively find ways to get them to open up like handing them something to hold
When the prospects head is bobbing up and down like a plastic duck silently screaming "yes I'll buy", cut the pitch short and close the sale
Don't notice your comrades minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux pas
Don't gape at another's gaffes
Let them know WIIFT (what's in it for them)
When asking someone else a favor, let them know how much it means to you
Don't use a party as a time to confront someone or talk business
Only use chance encounters for chit-chat, not for business
When you mess up, make it right with the other person
Tell an exceptional service professional "wow, you are terrific. I'd like to write a review for your supervisor"
Big Ideas
People don't care about how much you until they know that you care about them-Zig Ziglar
The only reason we listen to others talk is because we know that we will get to talk when they are finished
Repeated actions lead to habits
A series of habits create a person's Character
A person's character determines a person's destiny
The words "sex" and "you" grab people's attention better than any other words
The phrase "Thank you" is said so often that people don't even hear it
Grapevine compliments have a more powerful effect on people than direct compliments
Because
A direct compliment might be insincere in order to flatter a person, wheras a grapevine compliment is almost certainly an honest signal
Compliments are more powerful when they are about the person rather than about a thing that they own or are wearing
Unknown Terms
Whatzit: Article of clothing that is unique and interesting and causes strangers to ask "whats it?": 2)a unique article of clothing or piece of jewelry that makes it easy for people to comment on or ask you about if they want to talk to you, but are struggling to think of what to say. (eg. "Hey whatssit?") similar to Mystery's peacock theory
Grapevine compliment: When a compliment is passed on to another person indirectly (eg. "Bill told me he loved your new haircut!" gusing "he did!) Leil Lowndes contends that this has a stronger effect on the person than if the compliment if given directly. This is because a direct compliment might be said in order to flatter whereas an indirect compliment is likely an honest signal.