Title Attached

Author Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller

Year Published 2010

Kind of Book Self-help/Psychology/Love & Relationships

How strongly I recommend it 7/10

My Impressions This book offers the view that needing others is not a bad thing. The authors give useful descriptions of the 3 adult attachment styles (avoidant, anxious, and secure) as well as some practical steps to overcome the struggles each one faces. I was a little let down there wasn't more science supporting their claims. However, a good intro to the field of attachment psychology and definitely whet the palate for more exploration.

Date Read March 2019

Practical Takeaways

  • Consciously work toward becoming more secure in your attachment style

  • Ask yourself "Is my partner capable of giving me what I need?"

  • Find the right person and travel down the road with them

  • Shift from asking "Do they like me?" to "Are they capable of giving me what I need?"

  • Tell your partner how much they mean to you after sex ( not just how good the sex was)

  • Don't be afraid to express your needs, thoughts, and feelings with your partner

  • Fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship

  • Don't make people feel guilty for being needy or dependent

  • Give people a chance you're dating

  • Go out with a lot of different people

  • Give secure people a chance

  • Share your life and yourself with other people (Happiness is only real when shared-Into the Wild_

  • Seek counseling for love avoidance

  • Be available to your partner

  • Allow your partner to be dependent on you when they feel the need

  • Encourage your partner in their personal goals

  • Never take the blame for your partner's offensive behavior

  • Expect to be treated with respect, dignity, and love

  • Subscribe to the belief that there are many "ones" out there

  • Find a secure type to model

  • Find a way to be available for your partner when they need you

  • Send your partner a prewritten text that you are thinking about them (especially if they are anxious and activated)

  • When moving in together have a buffer zone (ie. Place where one person can go so you don't feel smothered)

  • Get out of the anxious-avoidant trap if it is at the start of a relationship, otherwise find ways to make it better

  • Address things that are bothering you with your partner from the get-go

  • Be specific when telling your partner your needs

  • Choose a partner who is willing to work on things

  • (for conflicts) Show basic concern for the other person's well-being

  • Focus on the problem at hand during a conflict

  • Be willing to engage in conflict

  • Don't neglect cuddling with your partner (a cuddling session might immunize your relationship against conflict for a few days)

  • Don't expect your partner to know what you're thinking

  • Find someone with intimacy needs similar to your own (ie. Sim need for closeness)

Big Ideas

  • Avoidants rarely date other avoidants

  • Anxious and Avoidants are attracted to one another

  • Secure types are thought to be boring at first by Anxious because they create little resistance/drama

  • Attachment styles are formed through our life experiences and the way our parents cared for us

  • A person's adult relationships with their partners is similar to their relationship with their parents when they were a child

  • None of the attachment styles are seen as pathological (but a secure style should be the goal for everyone)

  • Relationship with parents may shape attachment style in adulthood

  • We are genetically predisposed toward a certain attachment style

  • It is not impossible for a person to change their attachment style

  • Our need for love and intimacy is part of our genetic makeup

  • Our need for love and intimacy is not an a indication that we don't love ourselves enough

  • When two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other's psychological and emotional well-being.

  • Dependency is not a bad word

Anxious Characteristics

  • Preoccupied with their relationships

  • Worry about partner's ability to love them back

  • Rely on Protest Behaviors to reestablish partners connection

  • If their partner doesn't meet their emotional needs they will continue desperate attempts until they do

  • Wants a lot of closeness in the relationship

  • Expresses insecurities- worries about rejection

  • Unhappy when not in a relationship

 

Avoidant Characteristics

  • Equate intimacy with loss of independence

  • Have a need for love and attachment, but feel suffocated when things get too close

  • Constantly try to minimize closeness

  • Date someone dumb

  • Fall for someone unavailable

  • Only make themselves available when they know it wont work out

  • Pulls away when things are going well

  • Withholds sex

  • Has unemotional sex w/ no cuddling

  • Send mixed signals

  • Sometimes call a lot, other times doesn't

  • Seems distant and aloof and vulnerable

  • Act disinterested

  • Values independence greatly

  • Focuses on work. No time for relationship

  • Says they need someone who is completely self sufficient

  • Devalues partner

  • Jokes about the partner's flaws

  • History of cheating

  • Devalues partner or finds flaws with them when things start to get too close

  • Trains themselves not to care about how their partner feels

  • Uses distancing strategies

  • Prefers to vacation alone

  • Prefers to sleep in separate bed from their partner

  • Prefers to live alone

  • Emphasizes boundaries in relationship

  • Doesn't invite partner to meet friends or family

  • Fears being taken advantage of by partner

  • Is sure the other person is out to hitch them into marriage

  • Fears partner will take financial advantage of them

  • Suppress loving emotions

  • Gets over relationships very quickly

  • Ends relationships more than others

  • Represses rather than express their emotions

  • Has an unrealistically romantic view of how a relationship should be

  • Idealizes ex

  • Talks longingly about "the one"

  • Idealizes self-sufficiency

  • Looks down upon dependency

  • Despise others for being needy

  • Blames external circumstances for why they are single

 

Secure Characteristics

  • Feel comfortable with intimacy

  • Warm and loving

  • Communicate their needs directly without resulting to protest behaviors

  • Reliable & consistent

  • Makes decisions with their partner

  • Flexible view of relationships

  • Low drama

  • Treats their partners like royalty

  • Quick to forgive

  • Direct communication style

  • Doesn't play games

  • Discusses their emotions openly

 

Surprising Facts

  • "Attachment styles were first defined by researchers observing the way babies behaved during the strange situation test."

  • "Studies show that belief in self-reliance is very closely linked with a low degree of comfort with intimacy and closeness."

  • A cuddling session might immunize a relationship against conflict for a few days

  • During the early 20th century many people believed that an ideal relationship is one between two self-sufficient people who unite in a mature, respectful way while maintaining clear boundaries

  • It is not true that soothing a baby when they are crying will "spoil them" or make them any less self-sufficient later in life

 

Unknown Terms

Protest Behavior: any action an individual does to get the attention of their parent or romantic partner to reestablish connection with them (eg. Crying for a baby. Flirting with your boyfriend's friend in front of him)

The Dependency Paradox: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become. Sim. To The Peltzman effect  The tendency to take bigger risks when perceived safety (eg. If I feel I have a partner who will love me no matter what I will be more risk taking at my job)

Strange Situation Test: a psychological test that is used to discover a child's attachment style. The baby will be in a room with the parent. The parent is asked to leave and then the child is observed. They way the child responds will determine their attachment style (eg. Avoidant acts like nothing happens when Mommy leaves. Secure, distressed when mommy leaves, relieved when she comes back, Anxious, extremely distressed when Mommy leaves)

Secure Base: The presence of a parent or a dependable partner. Someone who allows the individual to feel secure and go out and explore and take chances 2) It is the knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100 percent certainty in times of need.

Deactivating Strategy: any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy (eg. Sleeping in separate beds, not dating available people etc.)

Anxious-Avoidant Trap: When an anxious and avoidant attachment style shack up and both activate each others attachment system. This is a common "trap" because these two people are naturally drawn to one another.