Title 12 Rules For Life
Author Jordan Peterson
Year Published 2018
Kind of Book philosophy/self-help
How strongly I recommend it 9/10
My Impressions Much quasi philosophy quasi self-help book. Peterson makes each chapter a different "rule" for living and then waxes poetic about why this "rule" is vital. I read this book with a book club around the time it came out and met several people who I now consider close friends, so this book has a special place in my heart.
Date Read February 2018
Practical Takeaways
Take responsibility for your own life
Stand up straight with your shoulders back
Walk tall and forthrightly ahead
Don't present yourself to the world as defeated
Voluntarily to accept the burden of Being
Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day
Eat a protein heavy breakfast as soon as you wake up (no carbs or sugars)
Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping (pet, child, parent)
Have one foot planted firming in order and security, and the other in chaos "place one foot in what you have mastered and understood and the other in what you are currently exploring and mastering."
Render beings in your care competent rather than just protecting them
Make your children strong/competent
Embrace and love the sinner who is you
Take care of yourself
Choose a career that will challenge you, render you productive and helpful, so that you can should your share of the load [of life]
Make friends with people who want the best for you
Learn from the past
Don't do something for someone that they can do themselves
Assume first that you are doing the easiest thing, and not the most difficult
Assume you are associating with people who are bad for you because it is easier, not because you are such a good person that you want to help them
"Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today" (attributed to Benjamin Franklin)
Agree to call each other on your bullshit
Don't drown the upcoming months and years in today's cheap pleasures
Assume that you're helping someone so that you "don't have to do something truly difficult"
Help people who want your help
Get your act together and lead by example
Don't choose friends for yourself whose friendship you wouldn't recommend to your sister, or your father, or your son
Surround yourself with people who support your upward aim and will not tolerate cynicism and destructiveness
Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today
If you're always winning and never failing challenge yourself more
If you're going to compare yourself to someone else do it across every domain not just the one you're envious of (eg. health, skill, relationship, money)
Take stock of your faults
Enjoy the journey up the hill, not just the moment of satisfaction when you reach the peak //myth of sisyphus
Start by fixing something small
Clean up your room
Let go of what you want in order to pursue what you need
Become conscious of your desires, articulate them, prioritize them, and arrange them into hierarchies
Watch how you act to find out what you believe
Aim for something that not only makes your life better, but also your family's and friends and the world at large
Pay attention to what is bothering you
Reward yourself for doing something you don't want to do (glass of wine, a movie etc.)
Ask yourself what you would require to be motivated to undertake the job, honestly, and listen to the answer. Don't tell yourself, 'I shouldn't need to do that to motivate myself.'
Sacrifice whatever it is that must be sacrificed so that you can pursue the highest good
Stop worrying about what other people are doing and worry about what you are doing
Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them
Acknowledge and Reward people for doing what you like
"When someone does something you are trying to get them to do, reward them. No grudge after victory."
Punish people for not doing what you like
Don't spoil your children
"Don't cast pearls before swine" -Bible proverb
Socialize your children
Use the minimum force necessary to enforce your rules when punishing someone
Limit the rules (for kids)
Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world
Clean up your life
Start to stop doing what you know to be wrong
Stop saying things that make you weak and ashamed
Say only things that make you strong
Do only those things that you could speak of with honor
"Use your own standards of judgement. Rely on yourself for guidance"
Pursue what is meaningful not what is expedient
Give up something of value in the present to attain something better in the future //sacrifice
"Sacrifice now to gain later"
Practicing sacrificing and sharing until you become expert at it
"stop speaking and cease acting" when your conscience objects to what you're doing-Socrates
Act to the best of your ability in a manner which leads to the alleviation of unnecessary pain and suffering
Place "make the world better" at the top of your value hierarchy
Tell the truth -or at least don't lie
Don't say things that you know to be false
When you don't know what to do, tell the truth
Don't take the easy way out
Don't use words to manipulate the world into delivering you what you want
Don't live a "life lie"
Life-Life: "Someone living a life-lie is attempting to manipulate reality with perception, thought and action, so that only some narrowly desired and pre-defined outcome is allowed to exist."
Don't commit lies of omission
Reveal yourself to others
"Never sacrifice yourself for what you could be for what you are" //said in the active: Sacrifice who you are for who you could be
Pay attention to what you do and say
Live in truth
"Act diligently towards some well-articulated, defined and temporary end. Make your criteria for failure and success timely and clear, at least for yourself."
Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don't
Really listen to people when they talk to you
Figure it out yourself
Don't steal other people's problems from them (let them figure it out themselves)
If you say something that takes everybody aback, you should reconsider what you said.
"Do what other people do, unless you have a very good reason not to"
Be a sounding board for people when they have a problem, you don't have to solve their problems or give advice, just listen
For effective communication Institute the rule that 'each person can speak up for himself only after he has first restated the ideas and feelings of the previous speaker accurately, and to that speaker's satisfaction."
See the way the situation appears from the other person's point of view
Don't oversimplify, parody, or distort the view of the person with whom you don't agree
Give the devil his due -idiom
In a conversation don't just wait for your turn to talk
Don't try to fix things right away (especially if it is a woman telling you her problems)
When lecturing make eye contact with people in the crowd and watch their responses
When lecturing talk with the audience not at them
When lecturing get out from behind the podium and engage with the audience
When lecturing talk to a single person in the audience. Engage with them. Watch their response to what you're saying for a while then after a few seconds move on to another person
Be precise in your speech
"Don't hide baby monsters under the carpet"
Determine where you are going in life
"Note your errors. Articulate them. Strive to correct them."
"Tell those around you who you are"
Do not bother children when they are skateboarding
Allow children a little bit of danger in the play conditions
Don't let people walk all over you. Speak up. Stand up for yourself
Tell people directly what you want and need
Toughen up, you weasel
Be an awake and conscious partner
Be tougher and smarter than your woman
Be a man not a boy
Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street
Set aside some time every day (not in the evening or at night) to think about the large problem you are facing. Do not talk or think about it otherwise (illness in the family, fired from job etc.)
Steal 10 or 20 minutes to do something that makes you laugh or smile every now and then
Prepare for the storm (it is coming)
"Ask and it shall be given to you
"Seek and ye shall find
Knock and it shall be open to you" Matthew 7:7-7:8
When you are arguing with someone Decide whether you want to be right or you want to have peace
"Aim for paradise, and concentrate on today" **
Orient yourself properly. Then-and only then-concentrate on the day
"Set your sights at the Good, the Beautiful, and the True, and then focus pointedly and carefully on the concerns of each moment"
"Attend fully to the future, in the manner, while attending fully to the present"
Act such that your actions justify the suffering your parents endured
Encourage your son to be a true Son of God
Stand behind your daughter, listen to her, guard her, train her mind, and let her know it's Okif she wants to be a mother.
Conduct yourself as if Being is more valuable than Non-Being
Share with the people you wish to educate those things you regards as truly important
Offer a genuine and cautious hand to people who are going down, but do not join in the mire
Invite a stranger into you house, and treat him like a brother, so that he may become one
Remember those who have nothing and strive to be grateful
Remember that it is truly better to give than to receive
Replace the potential of your youth with the accomplishments of you maturity
Gratefully accept an outstretched helping hand when you are tired and impatient
Focus your attention on the next right move
Fix yourself first before trying to fix the world
Tell your therapist the truth and listen
Tell your client (in therapy the truth) and listen
Before you help someone, first find out why that person is in trouble
How to train people to do what you want them to do; “First, figure out what you want. Then, watch the people around you like a hawk. Finally, whenever you see anything a bit more like what you want, swoop in (hawk, remember) and deliver your reward.”
when you don’t know what to do: Tell the truth
If you feel resentful either: stand up for yourself (because you might be being taken advantage of) or quit whining, adopt responsibility, and grow up
If you have a big crisis or problem: schedule some time to think about it and work on it every day (not in the evening or at night). Other than that do not talk or think about it.
Big Ideas
We cannot invent our own values
Because
We cannot merely impose what we believe on our souls
All untruth/lies have unintended consequences
Without rules we quickly become slaves to our passions
We must see ourselves progressing to be happy
Women make men take responsibility by rejecting them and shaming them
We are morally obliged to take care of ourselves
Because
We all have a role to play in life
Happiness is to be found in the journey uphill, not once we've reached the peak
We only see what we aim at
Happy is not synonymous with "good"
Sometimes what we want blinds us from seeing what we truly need
You can only understand what you actually believe by watching how you act (you are much to complex to understand yourself)
It is the things that occur every single day that truly make up our lives
If you don't discipline your children the harsh uncaring world eventually will
Not making the proper sacrifices makes you weak
Not revealing yourself makes you weak
If things are made too safe people as well as children find a way to make the dangerous again
Having an aim reduces anxiety
George Orwell realized that most socialists motivation is not true regard for the poor, but rather hatred of the rich
Most people think they think a lot, but really they are just criticizing themselves
True thinking is rare
Eve made Adam self-conscious and therefore resentful
SP: Someone must be self-conscious in order to be resentful
People often get the basic psychological questions backwards
Why is there war is a bad question. We should ask Why is there peace?
Why do people take drugs is a bad question. We should ask Why are some people sober?
Women want someone smarter, tougher, and better than them. Who can bring something to the table that they can't provide
Rule 1 Stand up Straight with your Shoulders back
If you present yourself as defeated, then people will react to you as if you are losing
If you stand up straight, People including you will assume you are competent and able
Standing up Straight Increases serotonin
Rule 2 Treat Yourself Like Someone You are Responsible for Helping
Man felt shame when he was naked in the Garden of Eve
People who feel vulnerable fear to tell the truth
No one is aware of our insufficiencies and inadequacies more than we are.
Our awareness of our insufficiencies and inadequacies causes us to hate ourselves
Because humans are self conscious we can see all of our faults and imperfections.
This causes us to feel shameful and undeserving of love, good health, and overall well-being.
People are better at caring for their pets than themselves
There are many things we know, but who don't know we know it (eg. Myths)
Humans know how pain can be inflicted on us
Therefore
Humans know exactly how to inflict pain on others.
We are the only animals in the animal kingdom who will inflict suffering on others for the sake of suffering.
Most people suffer from self-contempt, shame and disgust with themselves, not from liking themselves too much or thinking they're too great
People don't feel like they deserve the best care
You are morally obliged to take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, love yourself etc. You don't just belong to you.
Rule #3 Make Friends with people who want what's best for you
When asking the question why we do something we should “Assume first that you are doing the easiest thing, and not the most difficult.”
It is more likely that someone isn't thriving because they have decided to reject the path upward because it is difficult than it is that they are a noble victim of unjust circumstances
People have a low opinion of their lives and don’t believe they deserve any better
We surround ourselves with people who are unresponsible
Because
It is easier to look/feel virtuous when we are surrounded by people who are unresponsible
People form an implicit contract with their friends "I won't call you on not being the best you can be if you don't call me out on not being the best I can be"
People may want to rescue someone for several reasons
1) They are narcissistic and want to be a messiah
2)They are strong, generous, and want to do the right thing
3)To virtue signal
It’s “impossible to start a therapeutic relationship if the person seeking help does not want to improve.
Failure is easy (going down is the norm. it is going up that is hard)
People want to bring others down to their level, so they don't have to grow or be called out
Being around people living their best life pushes you to be more than you are
Rule #4 Compare Yourself to Who you were yesterday, Not to who someone else is today
We are all broken
Therefore
We need to fix ourselves
We compare ourselves to others unfairly by comparing only the domain we lack in with the domain the other person excels in
It is easier to feel good about yourself in small communities
It was easier to feel good about yourself before the internet connected all of us.
There are so many unique games we play that it is impossible to compare yourself with others.
Always Winning is not a good thing
Because
If you win at everything it probably means you are not doing anything truly difficult or on your edge
The psychotherapeutic process requires patient and therapist to tell each other the truth and to listen to one another
Rule #5 Do Not Let Your Children Do Anything That Makes You Dislike Them
You become angry, resentful and passive aggressive when you don’t address things that need to be addressed and take it out on the person in other ways.
Mother’s who wait on their son’s hand in foot partially responsible for their son's turning into men who expect women to wait on them hand in foot
Chapter 6 Set Your House (Life) in Perfect order Before you Criticize the world
Humans need a sense of Justice
Without a sense that there is justice or meaning behind suffering then it causes people to become resentful and hateful and fall into despair.
Mass shooters are motivated by injustice
Mass shooters have a desire to spite the creator of the universe
Toltstoy’s 4 means to escape the problem of injustice
Retreating to childlike ignorance of the problem (ignorance is bliss)
Pursuing mindless pleasure (hedonism)
Continuing to drag out a life that is evil and meaningless, knowing beforehand that nothing can come of it. (people too weak to kill themselves)
Destroying life, once one has realized that life is evil and meaningless. (suicide)
Peterson gives a 5th pessimistic solution 5. mass murder, often followed by suicide
Resentment starts with individuals who wronged you
Resentment then grows to all mankind
Resentment finally grows to God himself
Chapter 7 Do What is Meaningful Not What is Expedient
Chapter 8 Tell the Truth - or at least don’t lie
Lying and trying to manipulate others and reality to get it is not the best path to take
Because
A lot of the times we don't know what is best for us
Therefore
It is better to tell the truth
Because
When we tell the truth we don't get what we want, but rather what we need.
Untruth/Lies, however well meant, can cause unintended consequences
Taking the easy way out and telling the truth are two utterly different ways of existing in the world
Saying things you know to be false makes you weak
If you will don't yourself to others, you cannot reveal yourself to yourself
When you say things you don't believe, you eventually come to believe the lie
Chapter 9 Assume that the Person You are Listening to Might Know Something You Don’t
The Crowd is usually right
People need to talk because that is how people think (benefit of talk therapy)
People give other people Advice as a way to feel superior to them
Memories function is to act as a tool to help us learn from our mistakes and triumphs
Rule 10 Be precise in your speech
RULE 11 Do not bother children when they are skate-boarding
Masculine is not synonymous with oppressive
Men demand other men to be tough
Women want their male partners to be tough
Women want a man (as a partner) not a boy
Women want a man they can contend with (as a partner)
If a woman is tough, she'll want a male partner who is even tougher
Women become restful in relationships if they’re the ones having to wear the pants and lead.
Men might like it in the short term when their female partner treats them/looks after them like a child
But
In the long-term Men don't like it when their female partners treat/look after them like their Child
People who are high in Agreeableness can often let people walk all over them
People who walk all over them get bitter and resentful
Resentment stems from being taken advantage of
or
Resentment stems from a whiny refusal to adopt responsibility and grow up
Nice guys aren't nice
Nice guys often manipulative, controlling, dishonest, and resentful
Weak men are more dangerous than tough men
Masculinity is in a state of crisis.
When playgrounds are made too safe, kids either stop playing in them or stat playing in unintended ways
Kids need playgrounds to be dangerous enough to remain challenging
It is misanthropic/anti-human to propose that the world would be better with fewer humans on it
Science is not merely a power game (as many post-modernists contend)
If you follow intersectionality to it's conclusion you wind up with the individual
Identity Politics only chooses to emphasize some differences like race and sex but not others like attractiveness
Competence is the prime determiner of status
Rule 12 Pet a Cat When You Encounter One on the Street
The small pleasures of the world can make up for the ineradicable suffering
There is going to be a storm/disaster in ever person's future
Surprising Facts
One third of people don't fill their prescription. One third will fill it and not take it correctly
We have twice as many female ancestors as male pg41
Anger is one of the most common reasons for babies crying. Not sad or hurt
Unknown Terms
Buttress: an exterior support projecting from a wall that is used to resist the sideways force, also called thrust
Sin: 1. an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law.2. "to miss the mark" Bible Translation
Evil: 1.profoundly immoral and wicked 2."inflicting suffering for the sake of suffering" -Jordan Peterson
Chasm: 1.a deep fissure in the earth, rock, or another surface.2.a profound difference between people, viewpoints, feelings, etc
Adultism: this prejudice is defined as "the power adults have over children". More narrowly, it is defined as "prejudice and accompanying systematic discrimination against young people".
Life-Lie: a term introduced by the Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler (1870–1937) to denote the false belief, functioning as a means of evading responsibility, that one cannot achieve any of one's goals. "Someone living a life-lie is attempting to manipulate reality with perception, thought and action, so that only some narrowly desired and pre-defined outcome is allowed to exist."
Chaos: "all those things and situations we neither know nor understand"-Jordan Peterson